I am not qualified

There is so much about hosting our 2 teenage girls that I feel equipped to handle. I mean, it wasn't all that long ago that I was a teenage girl myself, so I've got a leg up there. Plus, my first job straight out of college was caring for 12 High School girls at a residential living facility called Mooseheart. I can cook meals for hungry girls. I can help make sure they are dressed appropriately. I can listen to the incessant talk about their periods {and trust me, it never ends}.

Basically, I feel pretty able to actually keep teenage girls alive.

But ministering to their soul? Helping mend their broken hearts? 

Yikes.

There have been so many sweet, supportive, encouraging people in my life that have said how proud they are of what Rich & I are doing. That I am "so good...so selfless...so giving". While I appreciate their efforts, I've found myself getting almost irritated at their comments.

Because the thing is...I'm not any of those things. I'm actually incredibly selfish. I like to sleep in. I want to keep my things for me & my family. I don't like to share my "good leftovers". I like to watch whatever I want to on TV.

Yeah, it's great to hear people say nice things about you. Surely I am not the only one who feels that way! Sometimes I get a little prideful, if I'm being totally honest. Because it's been really hard having the girls here, for so many reasons There have definitely been more than a few days that I wish we could just go back to June when I got the phone call about the girls and just say NO!

But the thing is, I know that I am not alone in this. I knew that if He brought them to us, He would equip us to care for them. By saying "yes" out of obedience to the Lord, I was also saying "yes" to HIS plans. Not mine.

His timelines. Not mine.
His desires. Not mine.
His meaning of love. Not mine.

There has been and continues to be so much uncertainty about the girls. So many questions that we have- and that we are asked by others- and we just don't have the answers yet. When will the girls go home? Will they go home or will they end up in Foster Care? How do you know things will even be better if they do go home?

My answer: I don't know. But I trust that the Lord cares for these precious, precious children. He knows them uniquely. He knows their hearts. He knows their deepest desires. And He cares so deeply for them. So while yes, it's very hard to have 2 children who are not "mine" in my home, I know that the Lord has been with us every step of the way. And yes, it will be very hard when they eventually leave our home, but I know that He will go with them.

I am not the perfect mother. I am not a hero.
I am just a mom who said yes.

My 4th post since starting this blog 8 months ago. Well...not that bad considering all that has happened since February! Here's a not so quick run down:

February 2014:
-Went to the IF:Gathering in Austin, Texas. Saw the Lord move in ways I hadn't in a long time. Knew that the Lord was calling us to Orphan Care in a serious way. Was it Safe Families? Was it Foster Care? We didn't know.

March 2014:
-Felt super discouraged after coming home from "IF" and not being able to take action towards any of the things I felt called to.
-Continued interviewing for part-time jobs, desperate to find something that allowed me to stay within my field but also be home with our precious daughter.
-Continued to receive an overwhelming amount of alerts regarding children needing a Safe Family placement. Kept calling in to get more information, but kept receiving a "closed door" from the Lord.

April 2014: (Things started picking up...)
-RECEIVED AN OFFER TO GO PART TIME!!! Such a huge blessing and answer to prayer in so many ways.
-We started praying about becoming a Foster Parent.
-More Safe Family alerts, yet nothing was happening.

May 2014:
-Filled out our first round of paperwork to get started with our Foster License!
-Made a deal with the Lord (I'm sure He was laughing) that we would accept the next phone call we received regarding a Safe Family placement. Here we go...

June 2014:
-Completed our home study and more paperwork for Foster Care license. Things were moving quickly!
-Went part time. This was honestly the biggest answer to prayer. I am so grateful to be home with our daughter, and to have the time to invest in the lives of others.
-Got a phone call a few weeks after making my "deal" with the Lord, and we welcomed 2 teenage girls into our home via Safe Families on June 26th. We agreed to a 3-4 week placement for the girls.

July 2014:
-Realized the girls would not be ready to return home in just 3-4 weeks. Started registering the girls for school, with a planned return home date of December. Our placement was now expected to last 6 months.
-Started our PRIDE training for our Foster License!

August 2014:
-The girls started school here in Woodstock. Friends & family provided beds, school supplies, clothes, gift cards, meals, etc. We were so overwhelmed with the love and support of so many people!
-Completed our PRIDE training for our Foster License!

September 2014:
-Drama with our Foster License. Our worker told us we could not move forward with our license unless we "got rid of" our Safe Family girls. However, the Lord quickly resolved that issue and our worker agreed to move forward whether the girls were with us or not.
-Baby Grayce (Gigi's sister) was born on September 29th.

And here we are now in October! Our Foster License should be approved by the State at any time. Court is coming up a week from tomorrow for Gigi & Grayce. Our Safe Family girls are still here with us and are doing well, all things considered.

So.

In a matter of time, we could have 5 children in our home. 2 teenagers. And 3 under 2.

Whoa.

I did it again.

Believe it or not, I spend a good amount of time each day thinking of things I want to write about on this blog. Things that move me. Things that I think are funny. Things that make my heart burst with emotion.

And then...nothing.

No blog post from me. What the heck?! I think I am just so overwhelmed with the chaos that is my every day. By the time the baby is in bed, the kitchen is cleaned up, lunches are packed for the next day...I'm cooked. Just DONE. I usually zonk out on the couch either watching mindless TV or totally asleep.

I have a sweet new friend that has an awesome blog. She's a new mama too. And I know her life is super busy. But yet, she finds makes time to blog nearly every day. I have found myself so jealous of her.

So that's where I'm at tonight. Still feeling frustrated. Stuck. Not really sure what the Lord is trying to teach me through this season. But I'm trying to hang in there.

Any other mamas out there feel the same?

If:Gathering

About a month ago, I had the amazing opportunity to travel to Austin, Texas for the If:Gathering. I didn't really know what the heck I was doing there. Or what would happen. Or how I would feel when I left. But I knew the Lord wanted me there.

Rewind about six years. I was a junior in college, and went to a women's conference at the church I was attending. Some woman named Jen Hatmaker was speaking. I had no idea who she was or where she came from. But from the moment she got up to speak, I was hooked. Her honesty. Her heart. And her humor. I couldn't get enough. I bought a few of her books, and loved those too.

So I "followed" Jen for the next several years. I read her blog. Bought more of her books. She has a heart for the orphaned, and I followed her journey through adopting their youngest two children. Jen is just so relatable, you can't help but love her.

And then I started hearing these whispers of this whole "IF:Gathering" thing. I didn't know what it was exactly, but I knew if Jen was there, I wanted to be there too! Things fell into place, and the Lord made it possible for me, my sister & a friend from college to get to Austin for the weekend. The whole point of the weekend was to gather, equip, and unleash the next generation of women to live out their purpose. If God is real...then what? I left the If:Gathering feeling closer to the Lord than I've felt in a while. It was an incredible weekend jam packed with amazing speakers- some I knew, some I had never heard of before. But I left with what I felt was a good plan to pursue my purpose.

So what exactly IS my purpose?

Well, I'm still sort of figuring that part out.

But I do know what things make my heart hurt. I know that the Lord has given me a burden for justice. Specifically, justice for little children. When I see that things are wrong, I just can't be silent. When I see children that are not loved and cared for, I want to do whatever I can to protect those sweet little babies. I left Austin with plans to quit my job, make some drastic changes to our budget, and dive head first into the Safe Families Ministry that I care so much about.

And as passionate as I felt just a few short weeks ago...reality hit me hard when I got home. Right now, I can't quit my job. We can't take on more Safe Family kids. And I feel so stuck. So frustrated. So confused as to what the Lord wants for me right now. I want to be home with our sweet little girl. I want to be able to love on babies in my community who just want someone to hold them. We'll see what happens.

Philipians 1:6 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

Let's see what happens

Let's be real. I think this is my third or fourth blog. There was one I made secretly in college and never told anyone about. One I made after college to document the crazy things the Lord was doing in my life. Another blog once Rich & I got married. Another one still once we get pregnant...and probably a few in between. I've lost count. But no matter the blog title or season of life I've found myself in, my desire has stayed the same. 

I want to write.

I want to share funny stories that anyone can relate to.

I want an outlet to help process things that don't make sense to me.

I want to share how my relationship with Jesus has transformed my life.

So here I am. Trying again to get momentum to keep going. Keep writing. Even if nobody ever pays attention. Even if it's just my Mom & sister that read this silly blog.

Currently, I am 26 years old {with my birthday 2 weeks away}. Rich & I will celebrate 4 years of marriage and 3 years in our house this Fall. We welcomed our precious daughter, Eleanor Ione, on January 17th, 2013. 

Rich is working as a Middle School Band Director, with hopes of transitioning back to a high school position in the next few years. I am working full time as a Case Manager for the Department of Children and Family Services. It absolutely breaks my heart to have to work, but I am trying to make peace with the season of life the Lord has me in. We are so blessed to have wonderful people helping take care of our baby girl. And my work schedule is very flexible, so I am thankful.

Recently, I've wrestled with what I should do with my desire to write. Because truthfully, I really don't have anything unique to say. I haven't suffered from a life threatening illness. I haven't lost a child. I haven't been overseas. I had a wonderful childhood. Who would even read my writing?

But I think there is such beauty in the ordinary. At least for me. The simple, everyday moments are where I've seen God most clearly. Those are the times I treasure most with my family. 

And that's what I hope to use this for. To remind others {and myself} to stop the negativity and actively seek joy. To slow down. To be still.

Let's see what happens.