It can be both.

About 8 months ago, we left our church.

We started attending a few weeks before our wedding and had been there almost 8 years. Some of our closest friends were people we had met at church. They knew us as newlyweds and watched us add each of our 5 babies to our family. We have lived a lot of life with those friends, and it was extremely painful to leave. However, we strongly felt God calling us somewhere else.

Now, this isn't exactly the ideal season in life to uproot your community. Life is crazy with 5 little kids, and there are so many things that make it hard to meet new people and invest in those relationships. But we were so thankful for the way God was using our new church, Willow Creek. We were starting to get involved and meet new people.

And then in April, the Bill Hybels article was published in the Chicago Tribune. All around us, people are devastated by the news. There is tangible pain among our church body. People are grieving the loss of trust in our leadership, and the recent changes in staff. People are left with really big questions and such deep sadness.

So how can it be that the very same church has been such a source of comfort and hope for us? How can the same place that has been painful for so many others actually provide healing to us? Can it be both?

I feel like God has been saying to be recently that YES, it can absolutely be both. God has used Willow to bring a sense of belonging and healing to us. Little by little, God has redeemed some of the hurts we have experienced in the decision to leave our old church. And it's also true that many people are feeling hurt and confused by Willow. I feel like God is asking us to live in that tension. Just because there are two strong yet conflicting emotions doesn't mean they can't be felt by the same person, sometimes even simultaneously.

In a different way, I feel this "both" tension in regard to Eleanor going to kindergarten. She is 100% ready and I know she will do great. She is smart, kind and compassionate. But I also feel a huge amount of sadness in this sending of our first baby into the world. Can it be both? Can I be totally ready to send her to school all day while also being super sad about it?

I think it can be both.

Bad Mom

There is a scene in the movie "Bad Moms" where Kristen Bell is describing a secret Mom fantasy. She dreams of being in a minor car accident that requires her to be hospitalized for a 2 weeks. She can sleep all day, eat jello, and watch so much TV...and it's all covered by her insurance! I laughed when I first saw the movie, but deep down I could absolutely relate. Which I realize now isn't a great indicator of good mental health.

Just a few months ago, I actually did end up in the hospital for 4 days. What was supposed to be a very minor procedure at the dermatologist turned into a pretty serious infection, and landed me in the hospital on IV antibiotics. At first it seemed a little funny, and I secretly enjoyed the quiet. I never admitted that out loud, since my hospital stay meant absolute chaos for my husband and family.

But when one day turned into two, and then three and four, I started to feel panicky rather than relaxed. Why wasn't I getting better? Why couldn't they fix this? What happens next? I had a magazine with me in my purse, which I never read. I had my Bible and my journal in there too, which I also never pulled out. I basically laid in bed and scrolled through social media for 4 days.

I spent a little time processing everything once I was discharged from the hospital. And the thing I kept coming back to was contentment & rest.

Ugh.

I thought I had crossed the contentment battle off the list in college. I was always the girl waiting for the next thing. Couldn't wait for college, then graduation, then a job. Couldn't wait to be dating, engaged, and then married. But soon after we had Eleanor, I felt like I had finally won the battle. Jokes on me! Turns out, it just looks a little different when you're no longer a newlywed and have a house full of small children.

But what does it look like in this season of life? Like, realistically lived out? I'm not sure I have an answer to that. But I think its somehow related to my inability to rest. If I have a night out with friends or a weekend away with my husband, or even just a small amount of quiet time during the day...I don't know what it looks like to really rest well.

I am slowly figuring out what it doesn't mean. It's not a Netflix binge, or aimless scrolling through social media. Those seem to be my attempts at just numbing out, but it's not real rest.

School starts in just a few more days for my husband & kids. I'm hoping our reestablished rhythms will bring a sense of routine and normalcy, which will also bring more consistent opportunities for rest- and ultimately, contentment.