Bad Mom

There is a scene in the movie "Bad Moms" where Kristen Bell is describing a secret Mom fantasy. She dreams of being in a minor car accident that requires her to be hospitalized for a 2 weeks. She can sleep all day, eat jello, and watch so much TV...and it's all covered by her insurance! I laughed when I first saw the movie, but deep down I could absolutely relate. Which I realize now isn't a great indicator of good mental health.

Just a few months ago, I actually did end up in the hospital for 4 days. What was supposed to be a very minor procedure at the dermatologist turned into a pretty serious infection, and landed me in the hospital on IV antibiotics. At first it seemed a little funny, and I secretly enjoyed the quiet. I never admitted that out loud, since my hospital stay meant absolute chaos for my husband and family.

But when one day turned into two, and then three and four, I started to feel panicky rather than relaxed. Why wasn't I getting better? Why couldn't they fix this? What happens next? I had a magazine with me in my purse, which I never read. I had my Bible and my journal in there too, which I also never pulled out. I basically laid in bed and scrolled through social media for 4 days.

I spent a little time processing everything once I was discharged from the hospital. And the thing I kept coming back to was contentment & rest.

Ugh.

I thought I had crossed the contentment battle off the list in college. I was always the girl waiting for the next thing. Couldn't wait for college, then graduation, then a job. Couldn't wait to be dating, engaged, and then married. But soon after we had Eleanor, I felt like I had finally won the battle. Jokes on me! Turns out, it just looks a little different when you're no longer a newlywed and have a house full of small children.

But what does it look like in this season of life? Like, realistically lived out? I'm not sure I have an answer to that. But I think its somehow related to my inability to rest. If I have a night out with friends or a weekend away with my husband, or even just a small amount of quiet time during the day...I don't know what it looks like to really rest well.

I am slowly figuring out what it doesn't mean. It's not a Netflix binge, or aimless scrolling through social media. Those seem to be my attempts at just numbing out, but it's not real rest.

School starts in just a few more days for my husband & kids. I'm hoping our reestablished rhythms will bring a sense of routine and normalcy, which will also bring more consistent opportunities for rest- and ultimately, contentment.