Fear

I'm new to the Podcast game. I'm just 13 years late to the party, no big deal. I love listening to them while I'm folding laundry, at the gym, or even when I'm in the shower. I've been listening to so many good ones recently, but this interview with Jen Hatmaker on the Coffee + Crumbs Podcast has been stuck in my head. Jen was talking about people wanting to create but were feeling paralyzed by fear. She said...

"Don't put too much pressure on a little dream that is burning in your heart. Don't make that thing have to be at it's tip top game before you even do step one- that's not fair. Most people are going to write for free, and with zero commercial success- for some time- before that becomes something, before that pays a bill. Or you're thinking, 'Maybe I"m not good at it yet". And maybe you're not! Maybe you need to get started so that you can get good at it. Maybe you need to start developing those muscles and learn your craft. Maybe just start it for the love of it. Nothing is wasted, all of those invisible years. There is so much happening in who you are as you do this work for no applause."

Jen said she started writing when her kids were one, three & five. Not a calm season of life. Not the season where you're looking for ways to fill your time. And I can absolutely relate.

It's been 3ish years since I started this blog, one of many that I've left lonely and abandoned. But trust me, it has not been for a lack of desire. I want to write. I constantly think of stories to tell. I've had a few people lately comment that I "should be writing this all down". It's purely that I don't have a single drop of energy left at the end of my days.

I'm now a stay at home mom to our five gorgeous children, who range from nine months to almost five. Since I started this blog, we said yes to Foster Care and got our license. Just a few weeks after Eleanor turned two, we welcomed Gigi and Grace who were 15 months and four months respectively. And just nine months after that, we welcomed their biological brother, Gabriel. We had plans to have another biological child, but thought we would wait a little while until things settled down a bit. I mean, welcoming three children in one year is pretty intense! But God had other plans, and 17 months after Gabe joined our family, so did Henry.

I think part of my fear- the lie that I've been telling myself- is that I don't have anything interesting to say, and everything worth saying has already been said. Jen's words were such an awakening to me. This time, the desire, this season of life is not wasted. But it also won't be handed to me. The opportunity to write is not going to magically happen.

There is very rarely any free time in my day. And there is zero chance that I will make anything of my desire to write unless I fight for it. I see that now. So, here I am again. Fighting for space to create. Even if nobody sees it for years, if ever. Even if nothing ever comes. This effort is not wasted.