It can be both.

About 8 months ago, we left our church.

We started attending a few weeks before our wedding and had been there almost 8 years. Some of our closest friends were people we had met at church. They knew us as newlyweds and watched us add each of our 5 babies to our family. We have lived a lot of life with those friends, and it was extremely painful to leave. However, we strongly felt God calling us somewhere else.

Now, this isn't exactly the ideal season in life to uproot your community. Life is crazy with 5 little kids, and there are so many things that make it hard to meet new people and invest in those relationships. But we were so thankful for the way God was using our new church, Willow Creek. We were starting to get involved and meet new people.

And then in April, the Bill Hybels article was published in the Chicago Tribune. All around us, people are devastated by the news. There is tangible pain among our church body. People are grieving the loss of trust in our leadership, and the recent changes in staff. People are left with really big questions and such deep sadness.

So how can it be that the very same church has been such a source of comfort and hope for us? How can the same place that has been painful for so many others actually provide healing to us? Can it be both?

I feel like God has been saying to be recently that YES, it can absolutely be both. God has used Willow to bring a sense of belonging and healing to us. Little by little, God has redeemed some of the hurts we have experienced in the decision to leave our old church. And it's also true that many people are feeling hurt and confused by Willow. I feel like God is asking us to live in that tension. Just because there are two strong yet conflicting emotions doesn't mean they can't be felt by the same person, sometimes even simultaneously.

In a different way, I feel this "both" tension in regard to Eleanor going to kindergarten. She is 100% ready and I know she will do great. She is smart, kind and compassionate. But I also feel a huge amount of sadness in this sending of our first baby into the world. Can it be both? Can I be totally ready to send her to school all day while also being super sad about it?

I think it can be both.

Bad Mom

There is a scene in the movie "Bad Moms" where Kristen Bell is describing a secret Mom fantasy. She dreams of being in a minor car accident that requires her to be hospitalized for a 2 weeks. She can sleep all day, eat jello, and watch so much TV...and it's all covered by her insurance! I laughed when I first saw the movie, but deep down I could absolutely relate. Which I realize now isn't a great indicator of good mental health.

Just a few months ago, I actually did end up in the hospital for 4 days. What was supposed to be a very minor procedure at the dermatologist turned into a pretty serious infection, and landed me in the hospital on IV antibiotics. At first it seemed a little funny, and I secretly enjoyed the quiet. I never admitted that out loud, since my hospital stay meant absolute chaos for my husband and family.

But when one day turned into two, and then three and four, I started to feel panicky rather than relaxed. Why wasn't I getting better? Why couldn't they fix this? What happens next? I had a magazine with me in my purse, which I never read. I had my Bible and my journal in there too, which I also never pulled out. I basically laid in bed and scrolled through social media for 4 days.

I spent a little time processing everything once I was discharged from the hospital. And the thing I kept coming back to was contentment & rest.

Ugh.

I thought I had crossed the contentment battle off the list in college. I was always the girl waiting for the next thing. Couldn't wait for college, then graduation, then a job. Couldn't wait to be dating, engaged, and then married. But soon after we had Eleanor, I felt like I had finally won the battle. Jokes on me! Turns out, it just looks a little different when you're no longer a newlywed and have a house full of small children.

But what does it look like in this season of life? Like, realistically lived out? I'm not sure I have an answer to that. But I think its somehow related to my inability to rest. If I have a night out with friends or a weekend away with my husband, or even just a small amount of quiet time during the day...I don't know what it looks like to really rest well.

I am slowly figuring out what it doesn't mean. It's not a Netflix binge, or aimless scrolling through social media. Those seem to be my attempts at just numbing out, but it's not real rest.

School starts in just a few more days for my husband & kids. I'm hoping our reestablished rhythms will bring a sense of routine and normalcy, which will also bring more consistent opportunities for rest- and ultimately, contentment.

Fear

I'm new to the Podcast game. I'm just 13 years late to the party, no big deal. I love listening to them while I'm folding laundry, at the gym, or even when I'm in the shower. I've been listening to so many good ones recently, but this interview with Jen Hatmaker on the Coffee + Crumbs Podcast has been stuck in my head. Jen was talking about people wanting to create but were feeling paralyzed by fear. She said...

"Don't put too much pressure on a little dream that is burning in your heart. Don't make that thing have to be at it's tip top game before you even do step one- that's not fair. Most people are going to write for free, and with zero commercial success- for some time- before that becomes something, before that pays a bill. Or you're thinking, 'Maybe I"m not good at it yet". And maybe you're not! Maybe you need to get started so that you can get good at it. Maybe you need to start developing those muscles and learn your craft. Maybe just start it for the love of it. Nothing is wasted, all of those invisible years. There is so much happening in who you are as you do this work for no applause."

Jen said she started writing when her kids were one, three & five. Not a calm season of life. Not the season where you're looking for ways to fill your time. And I can absolutely relate.

It's been 3ish years since I started this blog, one of many that I've left lonely and abandoned. But trust me, it has not been for a lack of desire. I want to write. I constantly think of stories to tell. I've had a few people lately comment that I "should be writing this all down". It's purely that I don't have a single drop of energy left at the end of my days.

I'm now a stay at home mom to our five gorgeous children, who range from nine months to almost five. Since I started this blog, we said yes to Foster Care and got our license. Just a few weeks after Eleanor turned two, we welcomed Gigi and Grace who were 15 months and four months respectively. And just nine months after that, we welcomed their biological brother, Gabriel. We had plans to have another biological child, but thought we would wait a little while until things settled down a bit. I mean, welcoming three children in one year is pretty intense! But God had other plans, and 17 months after Gabe joined our family, so did Henry.

I think part of my fear- the lie that I've been telling myself- is that I don't have anything interesting to say, and everything worth saying has already been said. Jen's words were such an awakening to me. This time, the desire, this season of life is not wasted. But it also won't be handed to me. The opportunity to write is not going to magically happen.

There is very rarely any free time in my day. And there is zero chance that I will make anything of my desire to write unless I fight for it. I see that now. So, here I am again. Fighting for space to create. Even if nobody sees it for years, if ever. Even if nothing ever comes. This effort is not wasted.

Appreciation

I had the opportunity to travel to Iowa City for a short weekend getaway. A solo trip- just me. No kids. No husband. One of my dear friends from college is having a baby, and I decided to make an overnight out of attending her shower.

I got to spend some time driving around campus, marveling at all of the changes. There are several new buildings, a new dorm, and a huge expansion to the Children's Hospital. While there was so much change, there was also so much that had stayed the same. So many memories came flooding back.

Before leaving town on Sunday, I spent a few hours in my favorite coffee shop. I had so many emotions swirling around in my head; it was a mixture of happiness & sadness. I had so much time in college to do whatever the heck I wanted. Nobody to be responsible for or accountable to. A meal plan & people who did my dishes. I remember complaining (frequently) to my parents about being sooooo stressed or sooooo overwhelmed. I could spend all the time I wanted alone in coffee shops. I read books for pleasure. I TOOK NAPS, PEOPLE! What in the world was there to complain about?!

I have always struggled with contentment, constantly wishing for the next step. I loved high school, but couldn't wait for college. While in college, I dreamed about my first real job & eventually living on my own. When I was still single, I dreamed of getting married. When I was newly married, I dreamed of babies. You get the picture. Never satisfied. Never content with where I was at. Always wishing away time so that I could get to the next thing.

I think the biggest thing I am taking away from this weekend is the need to be fully present in the "right now". This season, with all my littles. I am truly in no hurry to see my babies grow up into big people who don't want to cuddle or stop mispronouncing words in the cutest ways. I know that diapers & midnight feedings & teething won't last forever. And I really do love where I am at right now.

I am so thankful for my time in Iowa City to reflect on all that the Lord has done in my life. College was when I truly go to know Jesus on a deeply personal level, and I completely fell in love with Him. I am just in awe of all that He has done & taught me since I first stepped foot on campus. I pray that I always see Iowa City as a refuge- a safe place- a sacred city.

I am not qualified

There is so much about hosting our 2 teenage girls that I feel equipped to handle. I mean, it wasn't all that long ago that I was a teenage girl myself, so I've got a leg up there. Plus, my first job straight out of college was caring for 12 High School girls at a residential living facility called Mooseheart. I can cook meals for hungry girls. I can help make sure they are dressed appropriately. I can listen to the incessant talk about their periods {and trust me, it never ends}.

Basically, I feel pretty able to actually keep teenage girls alive.

But ministering to their soul? Helping mend their broken hearts? 

Yikes.

There have been so many sweet, supportive, encouraging people in my life that have said how proud they are of what Rich & I are doing. That I am "so good...so selfless...so giving". While I appreciate their efforts, I've found myself getting almost irritated at their comments.

Because the thing is...I'm not any of those things. I'm actually incredibly selfish. I like to sleep in. I want to keep my things for me & my family. I don't like to share my "good leftovers". I like to watch whatever I want to on TV.

Yeah, it's great to hear people say nice things about you. Surely I am not the only one who feels that way! Sometimes I get a little prideful, if I'm being totally honest. Because it's been really hard having the girls here, for so many reasons There have definitely been more than a few days that I wish we could just go back to June when I got the phone call about the girls and just say NO!

But the thing is, I know that I am not alone in this. I knew that if He brought them to us, He would equip us to care for them. By saying "yes" out of obedience to the Lord, I was also saying "yes" to HIS plans. Not mine.

His timelines. Not mine.
His desires. Not mine.
His meaning of love. Not mine.

There has been and continues to be so much uncertainty about the girls. So many questions that we have- and that we are asked by others- and we just don't have the answers yet. When will the girls go home? Will they go home or will they end up in Foster Care? How do you know things will even be better if they do go home?

My answer: I don't know. But I trust that the Lord cares for these precious, precious children. He knows them uniquely. He knows their hearts. He knows their deepest desires. And He cares so deeply for them. So while yes, it's very hard to have 2 children who are not "mine" in my home, I know that the Lord has been with us every step of the way. And yes, it will be very hard when they eventually leave our home, but I know that He will go with them.

I am not the perfect mother. I am not a hero.
I am just a mom who said yes.

My 4th post since starting this blog 8 months ago. Well...not that bad considering all that has happened since February! Here's a not so quick run down:

February 2014:
-Went to the IF:Gathering in Austin, Texas. Saw the Lord move in ways I hadn't in a long time. Knew that the Lord was calling us to Orphan Care in a serious way. Was it Safe Families? Was it Foster Care? We didn't know.

March 2014:
-Felt super discouraged after coming home from "IF" and not being able to take action towards any of the things I felt called to.
-Continued interviewing for part-time jobs, desperate to find something that allowed me to stay within my field but also be home with our precious daughter.
-Continued to receive an overwhelming amount of alerts regarding children needing a Safe Family placement. Kept calling in to get more information, but kept receiving a "closed door" from the Lord.

April 2014: (Things started picking up...)
-RECEIVED AN OFFER TO GO PART TIME!!! Such a huge blessing and answer to prayer in so many ways.
-We started praying about becoming a Foster Parent.
-More Safe Family alerts, yet nothing was happening.

May 2014:
-Filled out our first round of paperwork to get started with our Foster License!
-Made a deal with the Lord (I'm sure He was laughing) that we would accept the next phone call we received regarding a Safe Family placement. Here we go...

June 2014:
-Completed our home study and more paperwork for Foster Care license. Things were moving quickly!
-Went part time. This was honestly the biggest answer to prayer. I am so grateful to be home with our daughter, and to have the time to invest in the lives of others.
-Got a phone call a few weeks after making my "deal" with the Lord, and we welcomed 2 teenage girls into our home via Safe Families on June 26th. We agreed to a 3-4 week placement for the girls.

July 2014:
-Realized the girls would not be ready to return home in just 3-4 weeks. Started registering the girls for school, with a planned return home date of December. Our placement was now expected to last 6 months.
-Started our PRIDE training for our Foster License!

August 2014:
-The girls started school here in Woodstock. Friends & family provided beds, school supplies, clothes, gift cards, meals, etc. We were so overwhelmed with the love and support of so many people!
-Completed our PRIDE training for our Foster License!

September 2014:
-Drama with our Foster License. Our worker told us we could not move forward with our license unless we "got rid of" our Safe Family girls. However, the Lord quickly resolved that issue and our worker agreed to move forward whether the girls were with us or not.
-Baby Grayce (Gigi's sister) was born on September 29th.

And here we are now in October! Our Foster License should be approved by the State at any time. Court is coming up a week from tomorrow for Gigi & Grayce. Our Safe Family girls are still here with us and are doing well, all things considered.

So.

In a matter of time, we could have 5 children in our home. 2 teenagers. And 3 under 2.

Whoa.

I did it again.

Believe it or not, I spend a good amount of time each day thinking of things I want to write about on this blog. Things that move me. Things that I think are funny. Things that make my heart burst with emotion.

And then...nothing.

No blog post from me. What the heck?! I think I am just so overwhelmed with the chaos that is my every day. By the time the baby is in bed, the kitchen is cleaned up, lunches are packed for the next day...I'm cooked. Just DONE. I usually zonk out on the couch either watching mindless TV or totally asleep.

I have a sweet new friend that has an awesome blog. She's a new mama too. And I know her life is super busy. But yet, she finds makes time to blog nearly every day. I have found myself so jealous of her.

So that's where I'm at tonight. Still feeling frustrated. Stuck. Not really sure what the Lord is trying to teach me through this season. But I'm trying to hang in there.

Any other mamas out there feel the same?